Spiders and Coffee

This morning I had one of those “what the actual fuck” moments. I’m walking down the stairs, of my girlfend Janel W/1L’s apartment, two cups of scalding hot coffee in my hands like ya do. Halfway down WHAM!!! Straight into a spiderweb. Right across the face, in the mouth, the whole horror show. And of course, because I hate spiders not like dislike but HATE hate I instantly go into panic mode. I can actually see the spider crawling across the lens of my glasses. So what do I do? I set the coffees down, rip off my glasses, and start flailing like my sister use to do when id pretend to throw a beatle in her hair like a bratty punk little brother does and her ripping into her best rendition of a Swahili Tribal rain dance jumping and flailing as if possessed, (did i mention i hate spiders?)

That’s when it hit me, this is funny but only because I didn’t do what a Zach Galifianakis-in-The-Hangover kind of character would do. You know, instead of setting the coffee down, he’d panic and just hurl both cups directly into his own face. Because apparently nothing says “problem solved” like third-degree burns and a spider that’s probably still alive anyway. Sometimes life hands you coffee, and sometimes life hands you a spiderweb. God help you if it’s both at once!